Did I Say That?

Another chapter in the play

It seems that it's become a tradition to post something here on thursday night before I hit the brewing thursdaynightlife of Amersfoort. Now how's that for sarcasm?

Anyway, I don't really have a lot to say at the moment that I haven't said before. And I can't seem to find a witty way to make some useless remarks, so I guess that this is my final line in this entry.

One Night Stand—Twee Dromen

This is my dream.

Then where am I? One Night Stand — Twee Dromen

While on stage someone is playing the violin, a man sitting in the auditorium realises that he is completely naked. After he left the concert hall, a naked woman walks into his dream. Or did he walk into hers? And what's the deal with the two garderobe-ladies, the train-conductor and the girl on the bike?
Twee Dromen proves that a One Night Stand doesn't necessarily takes place between the sheets.

Saw a short Dutch movie today. And like Arie said, "we" are getting there.

Looks like it's settled then

I didn't have too many demands, they didn't make an unreasonable offer, so starting tomorrow, I got a job.

Say Hallelujah!

I saw the light, and it was called S⁵

Now I only need a good excuse to start using it.

<insert title here>

Got the promised phonecall at abour 17:15pm. Of the people who applied, there are two remaining candidates. Me, and The Other Person.
I was told there are now three options:

1. The Other Person gets the job;
2. I get the job;
3. They hire us both.

"They" prefer the third option, but have to think about it some more. I could expect a call near the end of the week.

To be continued...

I don't know what it is, but it just won't quit

At the moment, I have a very vague feeling something is more SNAFU'd than I'd like it to be.
Could be due to the fact that once again I thought a job-interview went pretty well (and that "they" "saw it positively" too) and I still haven't heard from them. Although I know that I shouldn't worry about that too much, since they'd call either this afternoon, or tomorrow morning. So there's really no reason to feel bad about that. Yet.
And besides that, I was quite surprised they invited me in the first place. I mean, I made it quite clear from the start that I didn't have too much experience with the technology where most of their work is based on.

Last week someone said to me that my little dip after my last job-interview (and subsequent rejection) was maybe just a tad over the top and too much. Maybe I was just a bit overreacting. Something along those lines.
Well, 'scuse me, but if I feel bad about something—just let me feel bad about it, 'kay? It's not that I needed to be reminded that just maybe I took it a bit too personal. I mean, I kinda figured that out myself about a week earlier.
And besides, it's not that I'm the biggest drama-queen around either. There are people I know this person knows that can do a much better job at that.

I suppose that it's me (it always is), but I really don't understand how people can construct mental pictures of who I am that are so wrong. It's just not funny anymore. In fact, I'm really starting to get annoyed by it.
Whatever it is, it always seems to be about me. And that's bull.
Example: I talk too much. Or so "they" say. When I'm excited or have a strong opinion about something I might do so, but most of the time? Absolutely not. Those people should really ask themselves who does most of the talking every thursday night. And that's just one example.
Yes, I know I'm a bit odd. But what the fuck else would you expect me to be after years of bullying over the most trivial and insignificant things? I mean, Christ, there's a reason I'm an insecure sucker with no self-esteem.

One of my favorite bands has made a couple of songs which touch on this subject. Here's some food for thought:

It's all about you—not me
It's all about the things that you're expecting me to be Dream Theater, You Not Me

...

I had half a thought, but just like most things lately, it went nowhere.

So, this weekend of mine...

Short version: Nothing much happened.

Long version: Got at my parents house about nine o'clock friday evening, and did a whole lotta nothin' until I got home in Amersfoort about nine o'clock sunday evening.

And who answers his buisness-email on a sunday afternoon?! Got an email saying I could expect a reaction to my job-application in a week or two. Nothin' special, but I didn't expect to hear anything from them until monday.

The Dark Tower

Met de zegen van de hoop
Ben ik tot hier gekomen
En met de regen in mijn rug
Weet ik waar ik ben
Weet ik dat ik dromen mag

Ik ga nooit meer terug
Nee, ik ga nooit meer terug Bløf, Bijna Waar Ik Zijn Moet

And I tell sai King thankya. May I have a gawd-bomb and an amen, if it do ya fine?

Barcelona—It was the first time that we met...

Barcelona—Such a beautiful horizon
Barcelona—Like a jewel in the sun Freddie Mercury and Monsterat Cabbalé, Barcelona

Well, I don't have that much to say about my trip to Barcelona. It's just a beautiful city. Simple as that. If you haven't seen it yet, I think you should.
I mean, I could tell about these musea and churches I've seen, and how I've strolled up and down the Rambla and through the Bari Gotic, but it wouldn't really interesting.
Words can't do justice to that city. Go. Just go.

P.S.: Re: that job interview? I made a phonecall this morning to ask just what their reason was to pass on this wonderful once in a lifetime chance to hire me. Apperently they had someone who had more experience in the graphic department. I didn't do too bad at all, it was just that the other guy was better. Ah well...

On the plus side...

...I do have something to complain about tomorrow-morning when I'm talking to my psychologist again.
This whole weekend just sucked. Can't find anything positive about it. Couldn't even be arsed to make the effort and go out with the guys yesterday. Just feeling tired, sad and empty, combined with the foulest mood from beyond the grave.

There's two things that's been crossing my mind today:
ONE: if they had called next week as they said they would with exactly the same story, the rejection wouldn't have felt this bad. I mean, then it would have seemed that they actually had to think about it. Now it seems like they didn't even have to do that.
TWO: maybe I took it all for granted, and thought that I was already there. That it was just a formality. And that in my confidence I said the wrong things and was too stupid to notice that.

And just to emphasize, I am really hurt by this. It hurts, I'm in pain and if it were possible at all, I'd bleed. I feel rejected. My faith in the fact that everything will turn out alright sooner rather than later is tainted. I'm right back where I started from and don't have a clue where to start again. Can't even say that I've got the guts to try.

The Barcelona-update has to wait. First I need to get this mess out of my head. Maybe a trip to Barcelona would work...

Can I have a refund?

It's all or nothin — an nothin's all I ever get

For the love of all that's bright and shiny, am I in a funeral-mood or what? This morning I woke up with happy thoughts. I went to Amersfoort with happy thoughts. On the way back from my job interview this afternoon, I was thinking happy thoughts, since it finally felt like I made it through one without making me look bad.

"You'll get a call next week, maybe later... can't say for sure. Hopefully next week."

The whole thing had a vibe. I was nervous as hell at the beginning, but then I relaxed, and all went well. At least, that was what I thought.
How wrong can you be? Next week became an hour and a half later. After feeling completely zoned out for ninety minutes, I got a brutal reality check and a moodswing to match.

Happy thoughts? Well, not anymore. Can't even be arsed to try and type down some thoughts on my trip to Barcelona. I'm ... hell, I don't even know how I feel. Empty. Empty and small. That's propably the thing that comes closest. Imagine a really big empty space. Black empty space. Which is captured in a sub-atomic part of a molecule in a single blade of purple glass. Which is contained inside of an universe, which is in turn some very fuckin small piece of another universe. And so on and so on. Delah. Worlds beyond number spin 'round the tower.
And inside that big empty black space, imagine a single grain of sand. That. Just that small. Or maybe even smaller than that.

Yeah, you could say I lost a bit of my grip on reality. Reality and faith. One thing I keep reminding myself of is that it'll turn out alright sooner rather than later. I'm really starting to doubt that. It'll turn out alright already, but soon? I don't see it happening. Wouldn't know where to start. All things considered,

Life is a lemon... and I want my money back Meat Loaf, Life Is A Lemon And I Want My Money Back

And you can cancel the parade...

So, this morning, I wake up, and make sure I'm back home in time for the job-interview I had. For a change I thought it was going really well. Well, silly me!
I was told to expect a phonecall next week. I got one not much then 90 minutes later. They thought that someone else would be better suited for the job.

Propably some nineteen year old blonde with big tits.

Yes, that was sarcasm. Anyway, it sucks. I was feeling really good about a job-interview for a change, and then... this. Dammit. Dammit to hell.