The Sound of Muzak

After the release of Bat out of Hell III: The Monster is Loose, it became very clear to me: Diane Warren is the devil incarnate. Or at least, she has sold her eternal soul to Lucifer in exchange for the opportunity to write the most craptacular and dull song to ever disgrace any album with the word Hell in the title.

Ever since 1995’s Welcome to the Neighborhood Warren has contributed songs to Meat Loaf’s albums. And I must say, I’ve never been impressed by the lot of them. While “Not a Dry Eye in the House” is a great song, and “I’d Lie for You (And That’s the Truth)” is decent enough, be it a bit unremarkable and not really a duet, that’s the cream of the crop. Two of the other three songs that made the actual album (“You’re Right, I Was Wrong” and “Cry Over Me“) are contending for being both the worst song on the album, as well as being the worst Meat Loaf song in the History of crappy songs by Meat Loaf. The other two (“If This Is the Last Kiss (Let’s Make It Last All Night)” and “Unsaid”) are both pretty dull, bland and weak.

But then again, Warren has a history of (co-)writing dull, bland, weak or just plain bad songs: Starship’s “Nothing’s Gonna Stop Us Now“, Aerosmith’s most un-Aerosmithy ballad snoozefest called “I Don’t Want To Miss a Thing“, Rhythm of the Night, Un-break My Heart, so I shouldn’t be all that surprised either.

That said, she’s written some songs I quite like, like “Not a Dry Eye in the House”, Cher’s “Just Like Jesse James” [download] (co-written by Desmond Child) and in a guilty-pleasure sort of way I dig “Can’t Fight the Moonlight“, but my favorite song by her, is Dusty Springfield’s version of “Wherever Would I Be?” [download]. Or maybe that’s just because I’m having an enormous Dusty-kick lately.

As a bonus, “I’d Lie for You (And That’s the Truth)” from The Royal Philharmonic Orchestra plays the Muzak of Meat Loaf [download]. Hold that elevator for me, will you?